When the Founding Fathers of our great state were looking for a state capitol, they had a short list of requirements. It needed to be big, it needed to be pretty and it needed to be close to some live music. Apparently, the old campfire harmonica player was getting on everyone’s last nerve.

My lovely bride had just gathered a collection of beautiful seashells down by the seashore. She knows all about hermit crabs, so before keeping one of her treasures, she made sure to check for occupancy first. She looked inside each shell, even tossing a “Hello. Anybody home?” inside the fro…

I blame my little brother Jack for giving me the blues. It’s all his fault.

April. The perfect date. Like the movie said, “Not too hot, not too cold. Just bring a light jacket.”

I’ve been around long enough to witness a ton of fashion and other trends as they’ve come and gone.

I had it all planned out. Man, my wife was gonna be so happy and surprised.

What is it about a new year making everyone decide to make changes?

Poor ol’ Ebenezer Scrooge. Just minding his business, doing his thing (making everyone around him miserable) when out of nowhere he gets a visit from his dead buddy Jacob Marley. The dead dude’s wrapped in rattling chains, speaking in that weird voice dead people use in the movies while warn…

I still don’t know who thought it was a good idea. Probably something to do with the old phrase “military intelligence” as an oxymoron.

I’ve always loved scary stuff, especially around Halloween. Give me those creepy crawlies and things going bump in the night.

I once went hunting for bear.

Hawaii.

Moonshine.

I’d performed the same action hundreds, maybe thousands, of times.

Long before the movie “The Sandlot” made them famous, the words “You play ball like a girl” were exactly the insult the actors portrayed — especially among us young boys, who felt the game of baseball was the sole and holy shrine of boyhood. Mixing girls with our beloved sport was grounds fo…

I’m a pretty sad excuse for a Texan. I can’t even ride a horse properly.

Spring is a great time to start those projects around the home. The weather won’t be as brutal as in the summer, and spring just demands we start something new. Lots of folks will huddle over plans for remodeling, landscaping or whatever, and they’ll be all kinds of excited about the prospec…

I couldn’t have been in a more perfect position for the shot.

Picture this, if you will:

Having lived this long, I feel safe in claiming that when it comes to Thanksgiving meals, I’ve earned my Ph.D. (Piled higher and Deeper, when it comes to my plate).

With my eyes closed, I lean back on my float, letting the waves move me around wherever they will. A beautiful lady has brought me a cold drink, and I can hear some reggae music bouncing its way into my ears.

I’d managed to throw my favorite fishing lure into a low-hanging tree branch, ’cause that’s what fishermen do when they’re not actually catching fish. We know where the big ’uns love to congregate — brush piles, etc. — so when we find one of those spots, we’re conveniently going to forget we…

“Man, you teachers need to go back to work. I’m tired of babysitting your kids.”

No disrespect intended toward June, but when it comes to summer, July is DA MONTH.

These kids today. They have no idea how good they’ve got it.

The bench press. At one point in my younger life, the bench press was the true measurement of a guy’s manly manliness. A dedicated gym rat, I spent tons of my Marine Corps off-duty hours in a weight room somewhere. There were plenty of other exercises and equipment available, but all those w…

“Did we try riding other animals, or did we just stop when we figured out horses were cool with it?”

Oh, man. Here we go again. A new year, meaning we’re about to make another butt-load of New Year’s Revolutions.

If we’re fortunate enough to live a fairly long life, chances are we’ve managed to accumulate some pretty special loot, considering all the Christmases we’ve celebrated. I don’t remember every gift I’ve ever received, but I sure remember a lot of them, and I remember those for different reas…

Some move in a slow shuffle, maybe while slightly stooped over. Others walk with a noticeable limp, if they can walk at all. If not, they’re in wheelchairs or other vehicles designed to help them move around.

Got two things headed our way in July.

Half the kids crammed into the back of the station wagon. The other half jammed inside the camper on the back of Dad’s truck.

Holy moly. While listening to my wife and daughters discuss upcoming Christmas plans, it struck me that I’m steaming rapidly toward my 56th Christmas holiday.

“Sir, I need you to step out of the water.”

I was Ralphie before anyone had ever heard of him.

Somewhere, I thought, Blackbeard the Pirate was laughing his eye-patch off at me. Jean Lafitte was having a la-fit. I wasn’t a modern-day Captain Kidd. I was “Captain with Kidds.”

Why is everyone picking on Dad?

Five grown men — all of us pretty big guys — piled into a tiny hospital room for days. My brothers and I, along with our stepdad, were there to say goodbye to my mother. The docs had already told us it was just a matter of time, and none of us wanted to leave her side.

March means spring, and spring means cleaning.

Dad had his chance, and he blew it.